Behind the Bar - Complete Review

Full Post of A Locals Design Guide to Bars, Restaurants, and Lounges

Dec 8, 2008

Oh Sweet Nectar!




Candybar

Neighborhood: Western Addition/NOPA
1335 Fulton St(between Broderick St & Divisadero St)
San Francisco, CA 94117
(415) 673-7078


This review is a little hard for me to do. Throughout this whole blog I have tried to blend witty yet cynical commentary on bar/restaurant design, a sociological study of peoples interactions within these environments to their surroundings and to others, and top it off with a few personal debaucherous stories of my own. In short, I write whatever I damn well please with no remorse; i.e. how utterly horrible/great the design is, how much I want to lick the bartenders nipples, and/or some fun mistakes I have made after consuming way over the legal limit of alcohol. Of course all of these things are fun because generally I don't go back to the same place every week. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem going back to a place I gave a less than desirable review to however once you become friends with the people that work there, the rules change. That would be the case here. A dear friend of mine and I have been making Candybar a Tuesday HH hangout for the past couple weeks. We sit at the bar, order our $2 sangria's, break out a game of Blockus, and play several rounds with the owners and chefs. I have become quite fond of this place and wouldn't want my unnecessary rudeness landing me a drink or dessert with spit in it. Now with all that said, I do not feel it would be fair to give a bias review of the design of the space just because I like the people. So boys, if I say anything to offend you I am sorry but just remember, it's not me it's you ;)


In The Know: The first I have ever heard of this place was from an anonymous comment on my "I have been flagged" review. It read, "i posted a review of 'candy bar' based on my perceptions of walking by it, reading their menu, and concluding that the place looks like jcrew and wasn't a good fit for the neighborhood." I, obviously never being one to judge, couldn't possibly pass up the opportunity to check out a place that was both full of a certain J Crew wearing type of people in a neighborhood that is not exactly J Crew friendly. And having one of the best HH's I have ever heard of doesn't hurt either. I needed to investigate. First impression: I could not see J Crew in the people at all. I could, however, see where someone might mistake this place for a retail shop. Could it be the over sized book shelf looking object used to divide the front lounge from the back tables? It does look as though it could have housed several sweater vests and polo's on it. Possibly the bar and furniture wood accents? The sharp angular edges and color does come off a bit Banana Republicy. How about the lighting scheme? Over the bar is fantastic carbon pendant lighting system. The kooky, octopusesque chandelier would not have been my first pick but I can kinda see where they were going with that...kinda. But other than that, the form follows the function. Form: two low lounge areas with red fabric seating and chests used as tables up front. A gathering of 2 & 4 top tables with an awesome chalk board displaying the latest in dessert exquisitery in the back. Function: Serving only dessert, wines/beers, and a plethora of old school board games. Board games people...BOARD GAMES!!!


Behind the Bar: I have talked to all parties that either own or operate this place so if I was to gossip, it would be oh so juicy. However, as previously mentioned, I talk to them every week now. I wouldn't want a high school he said, he said (to my knowledge it is all men that work there) kinda situation. So to save all parties from a civil war, I am going to give you just what I think. Isn't that all that matters anyways? The large chest that acts as a table in the front lounge is way to large for the space. I found my knees knocking against it as I was constantly standing up, laughing, and pointing as I was very respectfully making fun of how horrible people are at parallel parking. Apparently some drivers can't handle 7 people staring at them as they try to fit their Honda Civic into a space that one could easily park a mini van. (of course if the driver was an Asian woman that statement would be false.)

Who's Who: One would think that since there are a plethora of board games that it would be fun for the whole family. False! I would not like to see little kids running around this place. One there isn't enough room to run around. Two if im on a romantical after dinner date, the last thing I want to concern myself with is a child staring at me as I deliver sexual innuendos over a game of Shoots and Ladders. (you might be surprise how much that game can get anyone into the right mood;) It is a great place to meet some girlfriends/boyfriends after work. It is an even better place if you go on a date, realize that you have absolutely nothing in common with the person sitting across from you, however they insist that you at least eat dessert. Instead of continuing on with the utter bore that is your date, you can take him to Candybar where at least you have a game and fantastically delicious dessert to occupy your time before rushing home to call your girlfriends and discuss how just because they are a rocket scientist for NASA doesn't make them interesting. Enjoy!

Too Much Information; Take Me Back

Nov 25, 2008

I believe that Mr. is a Mrs.




Neighborhoods: SOMA, Civic Center/Tenderloin
34 7th Street(between Jessie St & Market St)
San Francisco, CA 94103
(415) 355-9991


Here is a chilling question for you: Is it okay for a man to walk around topless if s/he has gotten a boob job? I am not talking about man boobs so often hidden by layers of shirts and hoodies. I am talking about a male tranny that somehow sucked enough d*ck to afford a breast augmentation and now walks around town pretending his milkshake brings all the boys to the yard! Now depending on the season, it is very acceptable for a man to walk around without a shirt on. (and in most cases I welcome the idea, umm nipples) However, I have never felt more awkward in my own skin than to see a skinny man, topless, with his huge mams (sounds nicer than breasts, boobs, and/or mamery glands) hanging out for the world to see. I know it isn't okay (with me), but is it okay? If a woman walked around topless she would be asked to cover herself up (society rules gentleman, not mine) but a man would not. So once you combine the two, what happens? Technically since he is still a man he doesn't have to cover up but now he has women parts does it make a difference?? Kinda a lot to swallow, I know. My intention behind starting like this is not to repulse you, although who doesn't like shock value? I just feel this paints the best picture of the neighborhood Mr. Smiths is in. The Tenderloin!


In The Know: Yes, the TL does not have the best reputation, being overrun with some shady characters and all. Luckily, a lot of the bars in this neck of the woods bare no resemblance on the inside to there outside surroundings. This area might be the only place that has velvet ropes and crack whores all sharing sidewalk space. America, F*ck Ya! However, once beyond these pearly gates the space takes on a seductively dark ambiance. A vibrant red/gold floral pattern creeps up every inch on the wall to the right while a brick facade spans the length of the left. I should note that I am totally a fan of wall paper over just painting walls. It definitely looks like the designers actually cared about the space and wanted to put some extra bucks in to make it nice. However, this paper looked as though it projectile vomited all over the wall and wouldn't stop until every last drop reeked of roses and gold. It could have been the sheer height of the space that made me feel floral nausea. If it wasn't for the hot bartender #1 distracting me I might have thrown up roses and gold myself. (*On a side note, I have read the yelp reviews of this place. Almost every lady mentions the hot bartender #1. Yes, he is good looking but ladies remember he is just that, a bartender. Most likely he puts on his little show to raise your spirits and his tips. So ladies be advised: I am sure under your wine induced stupor you may or may not have given him your number, watched him put it in his front breast pocket, wink at you, say he'll call, and yet somehow wake up the next morning to find the other bartenders' (#2) number in your pocket from which you don't remember getting when you were eye f*cking bartender #1 from a distance. Rest easy ladies, you wouldn't have been the only one this has happened to. This is all speculation of course ;)


Behind The Bar: Nothing. Nothing goes here because no one told me that anything is wrong or right with the space. Bartender #2 did say he loved the shell looking chandeliers over the bar; loved the upchucked floral extravaganza that was is the wallpaper; thought having an upstairs was 'dope.' Come on #2, I am asking what you think works and what doesn't, not whether you think it is pretty. Lets reserve that kinda judgement for the tranny with huge knockers doing lines of crack off your velvet ropes outside. If he was bartender #1, his delicious mouth would have told me he did not mind the whole establishment is situated with all roads leading to the bar. The ratio of space in front of the bar is almost equal to behind the bar, giving these bartenders ample room to stretch out while the patrons on the other side huddle together. If he was bartender #1 he might have even told me that having the backroom/bathroom situated away from the main bar area really help keep the ladies room traffic to a minimum or even a nice place to escape from the noise. If he was bartender #1 he might have told me that he loved having a second story overlooking the main bar area. It is great for private events because it has its own bar allowing for the social elite to judge all the minions below without having to actually interact with them. But no, because he was #2 he was not willing to play along with my game.

Who's Who: Don't worry, the tooth decaying midget tranny will not be the one trying to share a bar stool with you. The crowd seemed to be anywhere from late 20's all the way up to earlyish 40's. I saw a lot of after work people all dressed up in the latest business casual. (mainly because I went after work) If I was to take a gander at the night life scene, I would put my money on a mix of overdressed marina type trying to experience a world outside of Prada bags and popped collars or the club kids looking for a chill spot to exercise their demons before they head to their uber all night club.


Too Much Information; Take Me Back

Nov 18, 2008

He's not drinking, but i'll take a bottle of wine!





Neighborhood: Mission
1199 Valencia St
(between 22nd St & 23rd St)
San Francisco, CA 94110
(415) 695-1199


In the Know: I am a firm believer that one should do a minor amount of research prior to going to any dining establishment. If for no other reason than knowing what you are getting yourself into for the night. My research came in the guise of a couple tequila shots with an ex who is a bartender at a restaurant on the same block. (I am sure that I don't have to bring out the needless to say jibber jabber, but I am going to anyways because I like the way it sounds. So, needless to say you start your night off with two tequila shots and a glass of wine before you even sit down for dinner; your in for a great night!) He told me it used to be the Last Supper Club. Same owners but new design, new menu, great crowd. Really, what more could a girl ask for? Third round of shots, perhaps?

When I got there the first thing I noticed was the ceiling. Not only does it appear high but the faux coiffured wood ceiling sets an overall warm, almost aged Spanishesque atmosphere. (which is kinda a weird feeling seeing as how it is an Italian restaurant. Though I guess there are some common similarities.) Now I feel they did a great job with the lighting scheme in regards to the layout of the space. It is divided in almost three sections; a long bar extends the length of the wall to the left, a ridiculously large banquette table and equally high 2-tops down the right, and a farely large open space down the center. The designer did not just haphazardly place lighting down the center of the restaurant and call it a day. They placed some delectably goddy chandeliers over the goddy table and some wonderful carbon filament pendent lighting over the bar. All of this mixed with candles really adds to a great vibe. And for an even more intimate setting, up front and in back they have lower 4-tops and 2 tops so you and your boo can hold hands and peer into each others eyes while toasting to your happiness. (see I am not always cynical ;) As far as the artwork, well none of the walls have any. In its stead, there is an exceptionally interesting floral design present. I actually like the lack of art. One would really have to find the right piece to fit the space and unless you are ready to house a full on installation, less is definitely more!


Behind the Bar: As previously mentioned I was already warm and toasty walking in to this place. That warm and toasty escalated to hot and spicy as I ordered a bottle of wine to myself. At the time it seemed ambitious but that is the greatest part of going to a restaurant with a person that doesn't drink. No awkward, who is going to take the last glass of wine at the end of the bottle. No sitting by, watching your date fill his glass almost to the rim just to turn around and dribble a couple drops into your glass while claiming he thought there was a lot more left and would share his with you but he kinda mixed two different kinds of wine together and is pretty sure you wouldn't like it. (deep breath) Sure guy, seeing through glass is still one of those unsolved mysteries science has yet to understand. Thanks chief, for showing us that guys do know everything about what a woman likes on the second date. Your a saint and my new savior. Moral of this obviously passive aggressive story is while reviewing under the influence is freak'n awesome (restrictions may apply see terms and conditions for details) retaining that information is always somewhat fuzzy. The cliffs notes version I remember from our server is as follows: due to the height of the ceiling, it really was nice to have that extremely large banquette table down the middle of the restaurant. It acts as a buffer for noise wafting through the air. So while you are spitting your B+ game, would have been an A- but you forgot to wear your lucky bra, the dinners won't secretly snicker behind your back. If the restaurant would have put several short tables, those dinners might have felt as though the people waiting at the bar were all up in their grill (yes, im straight up hood). Plus the server liked the tall tables cause she didn't have to lean down to talk to people. Not only can cause a lot of problems for a really tall server but sometimes the communication at the two different levels can be difficult. This often times forces the server to shout at the customers. That never works out, trust me on this one. I have partaken in my fair share of high pitched conversations and they never work out to my advantage. Damn customers always right rule!

On a side note: I have to mention the tiling that took place in the bathroom. Whilst I love the look of it, both times I went to the bathroom I found it extremely hard to walk on in stilletos. Yes, I was almost a bottle and a couple shots deep but I believe it was the tile to grout ratio that was the real problem.


Who's Who: This is definitely a spot where locals tell locals to go. The mixture of old, new, borrowed and blue all sat or stood comfortably next to one another. That has to be one of the greatest parts of common tables, you get to do some serious eavesdropping. I highly recommend it for date nights, friend nights, group nights, alone nights, and/or nights that you want to order a bottle of wine to yourself. Thank god to my server that let me re-cork my bottle before things started really heating up!


Nov 10, 2008

Creepy Crotchy Clown Carnival


Boboquivari's


Neighborhood: Marina/Cow Hollow
1450 Lombard Street(between Franklin St & Van Ness Ave)
San Francisco, CA 94123
(415) 441-8880


In the Know: I shouldn't really be saying this because it pretty much goes against the whole idea of me becoming a designer. But I have never been one to follow rules and so I don't see why I would need to now. What I am getting at is while hiring a designer will definitely give your restaurant a better atmosphere which in turn will bring in more business [hint, hint], one does not have to pay someone else a 218.7% mark up for a design. (and to the 92.4% of gay males that run the interior design world just remember, I have graciously walked 3 very handsome, strapping young men out of the proverbial closet so if you feel I am outing you, we're even bitches!) Obviously with the economy in turmoil everyone wants to save as much money as possible so restaurant owners are now becoming designers. And, more often than not they aren't doing such a horrible job. There must be a 'How To' book to bar/restaurant design going around. I am sure within these pages there would be certain must does, can does, and definitely don't, even it you think it is cool, trust me no one else does do guidelines. For example: Must Do- design a space that is comfortable for both your patrons and employees. (duoy duh that is why I am doing this whole blog.) Can Do- Put as many candles as you can around. This is a great idea for first time daters because candles really can help make someone look attractive. And we all know more than half of the first time dates are with people you met at a bar and at the time didn't realize how thick your beer goggles actually were so you agreed to go on a date only to find out the person may or may not be balding and may or may not be over twice your age and may or may not be wearing a brown belt with black shoes, ugh. Don't Do- turn your fine dining establishment into a three ring circus. Unless you are Teatro ZinZanni about to unveil the bearded lady do everything in your power to avoid freaking out your patrons. With this said, one must wonder how a multi-leveled steak house located on Lombard, could seriously be overrun with creepy clowns. Owners how could you let this happen? And more importantly why the heck would you do this to us? Unless of course you were raised amongst the carnies which would lead me to ask a different variety of questions. The space is hard enough to maneuver without painted faced masks at every corner.

Now, I of all people know that you have to work with what you got. (*Hey-oh!) And this space is not the most server/customer/hostess/chef friendly. When you walk in there is a semi-circular bar taking up 80% of the entrance. Generally this wouldn't be a problem but when it gets busy, this small room can fill up quick and with no hostess stand as your first point of contact it could get rather confusing. Directly to the right of the entrance is a small dining area that is generally where they put the 2 tops or larger parties that want to sit together. If you continue past where the hostess stands (as previously mentioned she doesn't have an actually stand which when I was working there left me feeling rather exposed.) to the right is the bathrooms and kitchen. You will notice that above the entrance is a long legged clown that is more-or-less spread eagle over the door opening. First off if you don't notice this than you are obviously more accustomed to clowns than you would like to admit (and frankly I would like to hear about) and second if you do notice than you are looking directly at the clowns crotch which will leave you with a whole mess of psychological problems that will never go away...forever. I recommend avoiding looking all together. Once you advert your eyes, passed this sexually perverted, mind f*cking clown is the second level dining area. This space houses 4 booths and a random "intimate" 2 top that feels more like they are trying to hide you away. As the hostess I would admit to sticking my fair share of colorful characters back in there. If you do want to be hidden away, ask to sit upstairs on the third level. There are two 4 tops that have curtains that can be closed for your personal dining pleasure. Just ask Barry Bonds, who closed these curtains to tell his son to never get married and just sleep around with as many woman as possible. (yes ayes heard it with mine own two ears) What a lovely role model. Directly adjacent there is also two booths and two round tables occupying this space. This area is great if you want to hold a private, secluded event...or tell your, at the time, 19 year old son about the birds and the bees.


Behind the Bar: No need to ask anyone about the woes of this place, I worked here for a brief stint (about 2 years ago now and I haven't been back so if I am off please let me know. I won't change what I have said because once I am on a roll there is really no turning back. I will, however, make a 5pt font sidenote with your comments. Cheers!), and hence have my own behind the scenes take on it. Other than my obvious disdain for the lack of a hostess stand and the fact that it is the creepiest decor ever, the multi-levelness of the place is less than desirable. I understand utilizing all levels of your space. But that third level is ridiculously hard for a server to maintain, especially in regards to the type of people that go there. (That will be discussed in the who's who section) And speaking of that area, yes I know there is a door up there, and yes I know that patio looking think would totally just be the most perfect place to enjoy your cancer stick, but no...you can not go out there. Why? It might be because the people that live behind the building don't want to hear your clucking stilletoes while listening to you talk about how much your porsche cost. But most likely it is because that terrace is not that structurally sound and the restaurant is looking out for your best interest. So stop asking!


Who's Who: Since this is a more expensive establishment you are going to get a more high-end crowd. Please don't take offense to anything I have said. I love these kinda folks (mostly when I am on the inside looking out). I recommend Bobo's as a place to take a client that you need to impress, a place to take a date you need to impress, a special event where you need to be impressed (and that you don't have to pay for - i.e. birfday or graduation), or parents that need to shut their kids up by taking them to an expensive clown show. I would seriously avoid the last one though, more often than not clowns are scarier than they are funny for kids, and if I am in a fine dining restaurant with kids screaming around me...it is I that will be the scary one.

To Much Information! Take Me Back

Nov 7, 2008

See no evil, hear no evil, and yet im still evil...hmmm



Koh Samui & the Monkey

Neighborhood: SOMA
415 Brannan St(between 3rd St & Ritch St)
San Francisco, CA 94107

In The Know: Right of the bat I knew I was going to love this design. It isn't like every other restaurant that is street level; you actually have to go up a small flight of stairs to get there. (Its not that it is the only restaurant that is like this in SF but I haven't blogged on those places yet so outta sight, outta mind - at least for now so back off!) It is great as far as restaurants go because you feel better than everyone else when you are looking down upon all the other restaurant minions...muahahahaha. At the top of the stairs is a bench with bronze see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil monkeys. Great touch seeing as how the restaurant has monkey in the title and flippin monkeys everywhere (all thats missing is the barrel). Once you enter the full bar is to your immediate left, a great water fountain/Buddha sculpture/partition situation separating the dining area. The tables and chairs used to furnish the restaurant was only one of the things that really tickled my pickle. One could say custom build furniture is a fetish of mine so....hi, creators of those fabulous wood/metal pieces...hi ;) The other pickle tickler was how they incorporated the obvious Thai decor in a warehousey shell. There was almost floor to ceiling warehouse windows (generally it is several small panes of glass) and exposed ventilation system. On one of the walls there was an incredible Buddha sculpture surrounded by candles adding to a very intimate feel throughout the whole space. It would definitely be a great place to take a date, if your into the looking down through warehouse windows at other restaurants while surrounded by monkeys, sculptures, and candles siting on fabulous chairs...kinda thing.

Behind The Bar: A sexy tattoo, slick haired, beautiful eyed, pirate looking chap. Please don't mistake the mention of this pirate with the SF's infamous pirate (General Lee) that works (ed) at the Beauty Bar. Oh, no no no. He is a much cleaner cut and of the more delicious variety. However, even with the pretty ones I can always find fault. My one qualm with him is I think he thought I was some sort of undercover agent sent by the powers that be (i.e. his bosses) to make sure that nothing but whispers of sweet nothings come from his supple lips. Translation: he was boring and withheld all the juicy gossip from me. He mentioned how nice it was to have large windows surrounding the space allowing for the sun to heat the room up itself. That's it, that's all I get!?! I blame in on his equally boring colleagues/friends siting at the bar. You don't have to be shy with me and look at your friends to help you answer questions my sensual succulent. If he was to humor me, however, he would have said that in the dining section they tried to squeeze to many tables into the space. There was no coherent flow. Unless you know the layout extremely well, it was hard to navigate the maze. Some tables where just far enough apart that made you think you could fit through them but come to find out after sipping on the Pumpkin curry chicken in red curry sauce served in pumpkin you realize how tight your cloths fit now and promise to start tomorrow with your Extreme Makeover: Stop telling yourself your going to start tomorrow and just do it already! edition...so getting between these tables was a bit harder than you could imagine. Thanks for the help and words of wisdom you sexy lil pirate vixen you; I'll be after your booty soon...

Who's Who: Other than the aforementioned pirates' shipmates at the bar, I saw two after work ladies and a group of diners in their mid 30's (ish). Not a whole lot to work with. Let me paint you a picture of what kinda crowd I can imagine would frequent this kinda joint: at the bar we have a mixture of 20-30 somethings sipping on tasty beverages after a long and extremely prosperous day at work. Everyone is enjoying each others companies, laughing at each others jokes, and lining up to buy me shots;) The dining room is filled with folks of all ages and backgrounds, from a grandma knitting in the corner to Jesus playing cards with 50 cent to children hiccuping rainbows to Johnny Depp (the real, and my forever #1 pirate) feeding me strawberries to everyone lining up to buy me shots. Come to think of it, I am an extremely great artist and think I really should frequent this place more often.

Nov 3, 2008

Who ever said that size doesn't matter....

Lets get back to why I started this whole blog to begin with. Hospitality Design, and more importantly what works, what doesn't, who is in the know, to whom you might see at these spots, and my favorite part the subtle stories about certain dates or gentleman callers that take place during my search for the best/worst designs.


Lets progress:


The Black Horse

Neighborhood: Marina/Cow Hollow
1514 Union St(between Franklin St & Van Ness)
San Francisco, CA 94123
(415) 928-2414

Let me just get this out of the way to begin with. Yes gentleman, size matters! If you have heard that it doesn't please check your references again. They may be faulty. There are only a couple reasons why a woman would say that to you: 1. You have been with this girl for some time, possibly dating/ possibly marriage. She is not saying that because she is trying to make you feel better about yourself, although if she is nice she is sparing your feelings. It is quite the opposite, she is saying it because she is making herself feel better that she has stuck with a guy of your stature for this long. (*wink) 2. You are hooking up and in order for her to avoid your pitiful inadequacies, self esteem issues, or a night of hugging her pillow as she listens to you in the fetal position sobbing like a 4 yr old school boy in the corner, she says it doesn't matter. 3. Or lastly, regardless of what happened between the two of you, she is going to tease you to no end, behind your back and to your co-workers, once you are no longer intimate.

In the Know: Now with that said, take everything I just said and disregard it (for a moment). At the Blackhorse it is all about size, and trust me when I say, the smaller the better! I can count the maximum occupancy on my 'lil fingers and toes, and that includes standing room. The bar divides the space in half, roughly 2-3ish feet on either side. Behind the bar is a small (do I even need to say that if the whole thing is small?) service station, a place to make a delicious cheese platter and/or a samich (sandwich for all those properly edumakated folks), and of course an old school bath tub filled with cans. The decor is what you would expect to find at any local London pub, including but not limited to pictures of London, beer posters, hanging steins and my personal favorite "Rules of Behavior." Now I feel as though these rules should just be common knowledge for any bar but apparently the good ol' days of male chivalry (you must give your seat to a lady if she doesn't have one) and female courtesy (ladies no one wants to hear what you have to say on your cell phone, especially about the guy you met outside your apartment at 3 in the morning and how he isn't calling you back....) have completely been ignored. Blackhorse, way to make us face our issues with claustrophobia and behavioural patterns all in one swoop. That is why we (the 'we' refers to me and my other personality) totally heart you!

Behind the Bar: My favorite thing about going to certain bars is having a friend be a bartender. On top of receiveing cheap to free drinks all night, they always give me the honest, inside scoop on what works and what makes them seceretly want to burn the establishment down. More often than not they want to do the later but that generally goes hand-and-and with hating the owners of the place or knowing that they are working for people that are dumber than they are and resent them or the bar even more. (*not that that has ever happened to me...um....ya....) I am very happy to report that neither of those are an issue at this place. My friend loves the owner and loves the small space he works in. So really there are no negatives for this section. (might actually be a first!)

Who is Who: This bar might be considered located in the Marina, but it is far from a Marina crowd. (Thank god!) The couple times I have been there the patrons are nothing but laid back people that just want to enjoy a cozy spot with some friends. I might go as far as to say this could be one of the best bars in the city. I wouldn't go that far, of course, because I am a synical and selfish. I mean if you can only fit 20ish people in this bar, why the heck would I want to tell the masses to go there?

Oct 15, 2008

The Marina Experience: Part Deux

Welcome to the second installment of My Marina Experience. (If you missed part 1 please read the previous post before indulging in this tasty morsel.) This addition takes a close look at my favorite creatures (the marina guy and girl) in their natural habitat. I stepped into their mecca, barely able to make it out alive. This is the unabridged version of how I survived. Now without further adu I bring you:

The Marina Experience: Is there fart scented candles in here?


City Tavern

Neighborhood: Marina/Cow Hollow
3200 Fillmore St (between Greenwich St & Moulton St)
San Francisco, CA 94123
(415) 567-0918

I took Friday night off from the world. After the Marina Experience; Did you say subway sandwich Jared? addition I needed a mental and physical break. The amount of male testosterone projectile vomiting across that district is exhausting to dodge. Thank god I stayed in because little did I know I would be spending night #2 a spitting distance from night #1.

Earlier in the day my girlfriend Lindsay got a text from a gentleman caller saying that he is in town with 12 of his friends and they want to meet up. Talk about taking candy from a baby. I mean 12 guys vs. me and her, their doomed! I eat my Wheaties, put my Marina uniform on (skinny jeans/sparkly stilettos/a black tube top that barely contains my nipples let alone my mams/ glitter), and catch the bus. I have to say, I love taking the 43 Masonic bus to the Marina. It is a delicious mixture of dirty hippies coming from Haight and fake blonde haired bitches going to their mecca. I lucked out and got the saucy bitches. Score! I don't remember word for word (who really can stand to hear fingers on a chalk board) but the gist of their conversation was about how poorly they treated others when they were growing up. *Pause: Now I know I can say some pretty mean things due to the fact that I am dead inside, but ladies....to hold a sort of contest of who treated a person the worst, come on. That is not even something that I would do. And you all were fat, so.....

I finally arrive to Fillmore after what seemed hours of listening to the Lucifer's of the world praising each other. My night didn't start until a bit later (11 o'clock) so when I stepped out into the world the sloppy slutty soldiers were hard at work. (this refers to both the males and females forms) After side-stepping some of the worst 'pick-up' verbal diarrhea I have heard in awhile, I arrived at my destination. Now, I don't know if any of you have been to City Tavern but if you are a man and not wearing a stripped shirt with a roofie in your pocket or if you a woman not wearing the uniform and ready to go home with pretty much any guy, well your tour ends here. I, of course, am always wearing the districts uniform and always ready to go home with any number of eligible bachelors, so my access was granted.

Within moments I was swimming in a sea of strips. Fortunately, since it was Fleet Week I got the rare opportunity to see these strips go into battle royale mode with a bevy of white (It was like West Side Story up in here. But way gayer). A word to the wise, gentleman, you will never win when up against a sailor. Not because they are stronger, in fact the ones at the bar looked like the pre-pubescent sloth from the Goonies. Not because they are less desperate, pretty sure after getting man-on-man action on the high seas they are more desperate and willing sleep with anything. And not because of their outfits, you all look gay to me. It is because of their hat. For some reason, women want to put that silly thing on and wear it around like they haven't been sleeping their way to the bottom. Yes, I'm talking about you, girl in unflattering red dress.

After pushing my way through a bar that is clearly over capacity, I finally find Lindsay. If you don't know the layout of the space, there is one semi-circular elongated bar in front separated by booths from a seated section in the back. Off to the side are tables up against large open windows. That is where I found her. I am extremely happy she chose that as a destination because the smell in this bar was atrocious. Could it be that someone had plugged in one of those ionic air fresheners and set it to spray the scent of fart every 30 seconds? Or possibly the management knew how to keep the numbers down by lighting fart scented candles and strategically placing them throughout the bar? No, the marina boys just know how to hold their flatulence in until they get to the bar. I think they all put on their stripped shirts, pop their collars, and call eachother to make sure no one has farted until they get to City Tavern. (I can't say women partake in this ritual because as all men know, women do not fart;)

We squeeze as many people as we can around the table and commence very intellectual conversation. Now to my knowledge, prior to my arrival there was only one girl other than Lindsay with the boys. I could tell that she was not pleased with our presence; it wasn't the body language that gave it away (she did not have much of a body to be giving anything away from...see bus girls, I can do it too!). She was f*cking saying it out loud through all sorts of snarls and aggressive hand gestures. No need to half assly cover your mouth, girl. We are sitting at the same f*cking table! We can hear you! Don't blame us that your crush is buying us shots/drinks and is more interested in my girlfriend than you. Although as much as it pains me to say, I have to hand it to her, she played the game triumphantly. She went from 0 to drunk in 2.7 minutes. (I hear those wine spritzers will do that to you.) She claimed she was too drunk to make it home on her own and needed help from the gentleman that was clearly more interested in my friend. Touche 'drunk' jealous girl. You won that round, but next time...

So to make a long story even longer, I have officially reached my quota on you, Marina! I will not be returning for at least another couple weeks. I swear!
(*Of course I can't completely cut the Marina out of my life....I have to have something that makes me feel better about myself;)

...and scene. Exit stage left.

Too Much Information! Take Me Back

Oct 14, 2008

The Marina Experience: Part 1

It has been ages but now I'm back!

My trip was amazing. It has taken me a solid week to recover from the jet lag so my blogging has gone soft. (Wow, never thought I would use that line when referring to anything other than my gentleman callers but I think it totally works!) My plan was to report back my crazy adventures across Europe, show pictures, make people jealous, and fight global warming. It turns out getting to the computer was a drag, posting pictures was not the easiest thing (especially since the guy I went with was holding them captive and refused to answer an f*ing email), making people jealous was way funner(yes I know it isn't a word) done via phone, and if SF keeps getting weather like what we got going on right now I don't think I want to fight;) To sum it all up, I am back bitches...and ready to judge!

So lets begin...

For anyone that has been reading my past entries (shout out to you, my 3 dedicated friends) you know that I am looking for the insiders scoop on the layout/design of a space. Well this is going to go completely against what I originally set out to do with this blog. I can't help it. I spent 2 whole nights in the Marina, during fleet week and I feel I must drop the design talk for a moment and focus on the perfection that is Marina people watching. I can't even play my most favoritest game in the whole world...it is just to easy. I mean you just can't write this stuff. (of course, I can and I will)

The Marina Addition: Did you say subway sandwich Jared?


Balboa Cafe

Neighborhood: Marina/Cow Hollow
3199 Fillmore St
(between Greenwich St & Pixley St)
San Francisco, CA 94123
(415) 921-3944
My Thursdays are usually dedicated to Therapy Thursdays, great HH spots to go to help yourself unwind after a long week at work but also to help prepare you for the debauchery that is to come for the weekend. The spot: John Collins. (unfortunately this blog entry will not be a review as previously stated. I'll do that soon.) The plan: JC for a beer or two, picking up men at USF's law school get together at Cigar Bar, and ending with some shots for my roommates 26th b-day in the marina. I never go to that district unless there is a good reason and a shot waiting for me. Thanks for buying me a shot on your birfday Max!!!

My first couple stops went more-or-less exactly as planned. In short, I had 3 delicious HH beers at JC. I have to tell you, the girl to guy ratio was great in the beginning. (we fast and furiously left when the Tokyo Drift took over though) We were a little early for the law students so my girlfriends and I hit up Columbus Cafe. I want to take the time to thank the blonde haired gentleman that used his bosses credit card to buy a couple rounds of drinks and shots. And sorry I didn't give you my number for the next time you go out, I just didn't want you to actually use it without the c.c. I also want to apologize to the other gentleman I made fun of for sporting the flesh colored beard. How was I to know that you were doing it for charity? (p.s. its still gross!)

When the time was right we meandered over to Cigar Bar. (also another place I plan on reviewing in due time) It was significantly packed at 9:30ish on a Thursday night. Boy do those law students really know how to get crazy. After casing out the joint I realized that I was not thoroughly impressed with the crowd I was presented with. Time to take some shots and make them presentable!!! I should note, I happen to be friends with ridiculously gorgeous people. Obviously this goes over well with me because between their good looks and my ever impressive charm, men flock. (*eyelashes batting vigorously) With this said, I get back from the bathroom to find two gentleman latched on to my friends. I say latched because one was drowning in Vicodin (holla!) and was having a hard time standing up and the other, well he was a bigger man;) But boy were they generous with the drinks and cigars! Half way through my beer it got warm, BAM! WHACK! POW! big guy goes to the bar to get a cold one. My girlfriend started feeling parched, SWAT! KAPOW! CRASH!, beer! Oh law students, you do know how to treat a lady. Of course, though, this is about Marina bars and people. I'll progress.

I arrived in the marina (shout out to Omar that gave me a free cab ride!), met my drunken roommates, and we head over to Balboa Cafe. Um...I am curious as to what any of those people that frequent that neck of the woods do other than show off their awesomeness? I feel like it is a full time job leaving absolutely no time for anything else. All I saw was a blur of stripped shirt wearing, fake blonde hairing, Audi key chain hanging drunkards. It twas a vision. We enter Balboa Cafe and since I happen to live with 6 very attractive gentleman (no I am not part of a fraternity...men are just easier to live with), the cougars pounce immediately. I found that the more desperate cougars sit closer to the front of the bar allowing for first dibs on their prey. Well played , ladies! I try and make my way to the back in search of a guy that might have a tattoo that isn't barbed wire around his arm or a man that didn't place each hair strand in perfect unison or even a guy that wears a second hand tee shirt. No luck. I step outside because I need a breath of fresh air and to clear the scent of desperation from my nostrils. Within seconds I am approached by a gentleman that could possibly been the retarded brother of Screech:

Him: "Hey, you want to go to this amazing loft party down the street."
Me: "Um, hi my name is Jocelyn. And no."
Him: "But it is supposed to be amazing! Full of celebrities."
Me: "Fine, I'll play along. What celebrity?"
Him: " Jared! You know...from subway."
Me: "Excuse me, did you just say Jared? Like from the subway sandwich commercials?"
Him: "Ya, he is at my friends amazing loft. Right now. Just down the street. You have to come hang out."
Me: *Actually I had no response. I walked away.

Really guy, Jared...a celebrity? And even more concerning, is that how you pick up women? Throwing out commercial stars names. I figure if you are going to throw out commercial celebrities names at least make it the Mac guy. At least he has been in some movies. Oh Marina, you never fail to impress!

Addition 2 will be coming shortly!

Too Much Information! Take Me Back

Sep 12, 2008

One of 23,458,585,738.4


Ottimista Enoteca-Cafe

Neighborhood: Marina/Cow Hollow
1838 Union Street
(between Laguna St & Octavia St)
San Francisco, CA 94123
(415) 674-8400
http://www.ottimistasf.com/

In The Know: I really can't say there is anything all to special about this one amongst a thousand wine bars. When you envision a wine bar what is the first thing that comes to your head: chunky wood accents, or European park style outdoor tables, or napa style marble bar countertops, or one wine rack wall, or wine barrels strategically placed somewhere, or sexy mood lighting via candle light, or what my girlfriend described as 'poopy' rose stucco walls (that is a very technical term - thanks Lindsay!). All thats missing is the exposed brick. If you want to add a little pizazz throw in an old world spanish theme; wrought iron gates and candle holders, a ridiculously large map that acts as wall paper, and/or old black and white pictures in old frames of people that have absolutely no correlation to you. Sound unique? Not in the least. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy myself everytime I go to one of these wine bars (more due to the fact that my friends are amazing company and I can polish off a bottle of what in stores is $10 but at the bar is $40 in an hour). However, how do you distinguish yourself from the next? I understand when you are opening a bar, the expenses can get really up there. Why not instead of putting what little money you have left into Wines-R-us where every wine bar owner shops, hire a local artist and set him loose in your space. I guarantee it would be something new and fresh and probably half the cost. You would also be supporting SF's local artist so really it would be a win-win.

Behind the Bar: Let me start by saying it was only due to the server that I could even tolerate the design of the space. She was incredibly nice and informative in her descriptions of the bar. She stated that the bar had been open for three years and they were the original wine bar in SF and everyone had followed their lead. (highly doubtful but interesting nonetheless) When asked about the design she quickly came at me with a 'oh I love it.' (not shocking as every server says that - I even used to say that when I worked at Poleng. Fortunately, I quickly realized how ridiculously funny I am and received better feedback/conversation/tips when I was brutally honest.) Then, without me even rolling my eyes and prying for her real thoughts she came at me with a 'you know what I don't like?' Me: 'Um, no but do tell.' Her: 'I hate the lighting system. All of the lights run on one control. You can't set mood lighting. (At this point I was at 3 large glasses of wine so I kinda stopped listening) I am a huge fan of lighting and it sucks not to be able to dim one area and brighten the other.' Me: ' I concur. Wanna be my new BFF?'

Who's Who: More for the want to sit alone or amongst friends and partake in nice conversation crowd. Not a place to really meet people. Although one couple proves me wrong. While I know I should not crinkle my nose and play my most favorite bar game, 'Name That Persons Self-Esteem Issue' (Im actually dead inside) in the Marina district because it is far to easy, I could not help overhearing one mans attempt to show how cool he is. An unknowing couple from NY sat at a table adjacent to this DB and his clingy girlfriend. He immediately struck up conversation, 'where you from...how long you in town for... do you like my floral embroidered collared 'prada' shirt with matching Fedora...do you want me to take out my measuring tape to show you how awesome I am?' Pretty usual Marina talk. Anywho, this lovely DB as well as myself could tell the the visitors where grasping onto everything he said because he was a local and must know the happening places. What followed was an explosion of confidence as he was the perfect guy to ask because this was, infact, his city. "You have to check out Americano. I mean the place is to die for! It is just around the corner. Really close. You'll love it! Any local will tell you that. Its awesome!" I should say I have never been good at geography but really guy....its close? The last I checked Union Street in the Marina did not border Mission and the Embarcadero. But what do I know, I don't own this city, you do...champ!


Too Much Information: Take Me Back!

Sep 10, 2008

Good ol' Bessy


Farmerbrowns



25 Mason St (between Market St & Turk St)
San Francisco, CA 94102
(415) 409-3276

In the Know: Designers take note! If you are going to create a kitchy theme for your restaurant, do it. Don't half ass it by forgoing even the smallest detail. In the end you'll be happy you did. Designer of Farmerbrowns did an absolute amazing job keeping to theme. Almost (and I only say almost because it is close to impossible the have everything work; some elements just can't be changed) every component was straight up farm. Large oxidized copper and tin paneled walls and columns separated the dining area into very intimate and might I add sexy booths and dining area. Chunky metal and wood tables topped off with large portraits printed on presumably grain sacks really set the farmer mood. The whole rustic decor is dimly lite with customized sack pendants and romantic candles. Behind the bar, large windows over looking the gorgeous and clean Tenderloin allowed for light to come in during the day as well as gave a fantastic backdrop to the glass and metal structure holding up the alcohol. (*See Behind the Bar below for comments on this.) Atop a bevy of bottles is an excellent assortment of pitch forks, road signals, tractor parts, or god knows what else. Great visual!

I have not mentioned this before but there is one crucial space that is pretty much a make or break situation in regards to obtaining a top restaurant design spot in my book. It is not the dining area, bar, lounge, or even the kitchen. The difference between a great design and a truly remarkable design is found in the attention and care of the bathroom. I know this sounds foolish but ask any architect/designer and they will say the same thing. A lot of times the water closet is over looked when owners are budgeting out their space. Don't forget it! Farmerbrown sure didn't. I am assuming it is his actually bike that is being used to store the toilet paper. Unique, I think so! Furthermore, ever had the conversation starting with, "did you see the bathroom." I do far to often. (usually making reference to what was left in the toilet by a diner that ate a poorly cooked pig testicle.) And if for nothing more, going to check out the bathroom will make your food be delivered to your table that much faster. Proven fact.

Behind the Bar: For any young hospitality designers reading this, one word of advice: take a crack at the industry for awhile. Become a server, bartender, busser, runner, host(ess), or even work in the kitchen. The only way to successfully master hospitality design is to know your surrounds, i.e. what works and what does not as an insider. It is easy to design a space that looks pretty but it is even easier and better to design a space that looks pretty and functional if you have been in the industry before. With this in mind, I had a very nice conversation with Mr. Brown the farmers' bartender. (I might go as far as a motivational speech if you will. I will. And I did. This one comes second to talking a squirrel down from a 10 story high ledge. It was touch and go there for while. Now lets see where that puts me....motivational speeches-2 ; un-motivational speeches 2,293,447,483 1/2) He commented on the layout of the booths and tables. The way that it is designed, while being very romantic and intimate, it is a pain in the arse for large parties, making almost impossible to seat larger than a 6 top. And if they do put tables together it pretty much kills any other servers section. And trust me when I say, taking away tables from any servers section opens the flood gates of hell bitch 2.0....3.0 is if they get sat fuzzy foreigners. You would get lucking being left a 8% tip.

*As mentioned earlier the glass behind the bar is great for letting in San Francisco's natural light. Unfortunately it also lets the wandering eyes of Tenderloin's finest in too. Nobody, and I really mean nobody can enjoy their Carolina Pulled Pork Sandwich w/smoked cheddar, watercress and coleslaw while a cracked out tranny is winking at you while rubbing its nipples. (cold shiver runs down my back as this brings back an all to familiar memory. brrrrrr.) Too bad the designer didn't think of this. As of now they have large white pieces of paper tapped up. That would be really the only element that the designer did not design too. Which is really to bad cause any number of modern partitions could have been used in its place.
Who's Who: I love this place because really anyone can enjoy it. From where I was sitting (I station myself at the bar, duoy duh) I saw business suite guys, tatted up boys, gathering of tourist ladies (most likely didn't realize they were staying in the TL and needed to retreat), an elderly woman in a track suite, early diners, the urban kool cat, baby in stroller, and kermit the frog. He says hi!. Usually with this decor I totally recommend a hot spot to take a date. Unfortunately with Hollywood telling us that 115 lbs is fat most women are only eating salads and low carb meals. Not the place to take your self-conscious date. If you find a girl that doesn't subscribe to the pressures of society, take her here. She will love you for it!

Sep 5, 2008

Personality Two Personality


Two

Neighborhood: SOMA
22 Hawthorne St
(at Howard St)
San Francisco, CA 94105 (415) 777-9779


In the Know: Generally, I would agree that everything looks better in a darker setting; ambiance, design, your date who you are convinced resembles any number of your favorite bobble heads (I know from personal experience having recently gone on a date with one...come to think of it, maybe it was dark because his head blocked out all the light) My point is, mood lighting works wonders for a design. For instance, lets say you have a designer that either may or may not have schizophrenia. (no judgments here) What would you get? A cluster f*ck of materials and elements, to say the least .
Let me paint you a picture: Personality 1 - In the entrance/bar area, imagine putting a microscope up to cork and super-sizing it across your space. To get more technical, heavily grained wood veneers line the surrounding walls. Creeping up a large portion of those walls are what I believe to be the closest to green plaid booths south of Ireland. (I say this because in my mind Ireland is chalk full of red headed, green plaid wearing midgets frolicking through the green pastures guzzling down guinness. *But in the non-offensive way*) Now you can only have this sweet combo for 3 of the walls because one of them is taken up by gigantic windows. What to do? Personality 2 - Think of your favorite past time; sitting in the sauna sweating out all the toxins you ingested from the previous night and going to second in the back seat of your 1972 Volkswagen Bus. Perfect. Put them together. Segmented wood planks comprise the base of your booth but for comfort add a dated 70's fabric. Personality 3 - I have to keep to traditional design in a warehousesque setting. Lets add a little brick, some dark wood tree trunk lounge tables, and metal tables, all surrounding a central oblong bar. Personality 4 - Now I know women can spend far to long in a bathroom. How do I make them comfortable and yet get them out as fast as possible. *View picture...need I say more. Personality 5 - Im feelin a lil' quirky. I also need to mask personality 1-4 with some chia pet lighting fixtures and 62 of Bambi's antlers (one lonely chandelier over one lonely thick wood table - all that is needed is the log cabin).
Like I said, everything looks better in the dark. And that's the circle of the schizophrenic life.

*I can not fully review the large main dining room because I did not enjoy my $19 Cast iron pan half chicken, garlic, kale, pine nuts, currants there. I peeked in though. To my amazement Personality 6 & 7 came out through the Reno (I say Reno because it could possibly be the ugliest city in the world) Casino style fabrics lining the booths and chairs and a large, seemingly open kitchen. I say seemingly because it looks open but is behind sliding glass track doors. Oh you tricksters.

Behind the Bar: At first our server was pretty distant, I am guessing because my vamp style makeup might have led her to believe I would suck on her blood. However, once I asked her about the design she was extremely helpful. Overall she was pleased with a far from cohesive design. At first glance I thought the designer did do a great job with space planning. Upon closer inspection, and only after she mentioned it, I realized the bar to dining ratio was a little tight. In more than one location you would be enjoying the behind side (the arse if you will) of someone standing at the bar while indulging in your $25 Pan roasted albacore tuna, tarragon-tomato coulis, and marinated three bean salad. Some might find that tasty, to each his/her own. Also the large, and out of place, black box holding all the alcohol makes it hard for a server to see they are about to run into an unknowing, white bloused victim around the corner. Splat! Bam! Pow!

Who's Who: If you are looking to save a buck, go to the HH. Everything on the wine list is half price (might be the reason I agreed to go on a date with bobble head guy, too much 1/2 priced drinks), and bar bites are $2 and delicious. Anyone that serves pigs in a blanket gets two thumbs up from this girl. The crowd was sparse so telling you who attends is sort of difficult. From what I observed, the table next to us consisted of people with loads of tattoos mixed with what looked like lawyers. (great combination!) At the bar was a typical after work group. Across the way was an elderly couple. Him in a fantastic blazer and bowtie, her in large thick rimmed black glasses and pink hair. Seems like there are as many characters in this bar as there is personalities.

Too Much Information: Take Me Back!

Aug 27, 2008

Here's to you, Fuzzy Foreigner


Foreign Cinema

Neighborhood: Mission
2534 Mission St
(between 21st St & 22nd St)
San Francisco, CA 94110
(415) 648-7600
http://www.foreigncinema.com/

In the Know: In the past five years, travel overseas by Americans for religious reasons has grown by more than 50 percent; clocking in at around 906,000. Now if you want to get on that train, Foreign Cinema is practically a transplant from Florence. And, believe me when I say it is very much a religious extravaganza. As far as design, the unfinished cement walls wrap around the gigantic hearth in the main dining room, maximizing in old world decor. Santa must love this place! The bar wall mirrors the same structural look as the the cement except utilized large wood beams as the support. I must say, while the layout of bar to dining space is not bad, I've always had issues having to walk through the entire restaurant just to wait for my table at the bar. And as a diner, feeling like people are constantly staring at my food as flashes of 'oh my god I am so hungry for your delicious food' crosses their faces; this is no treat. This is, however, unavoidable due to the arrangement of the tables. There are three rows; linen covered 4-6 tops on the perimeter and 2 fantastically large black marble, 6-8 tops down the center. All of which is held under the exceptionally high ceiling (I'm guessing around 20-23') that drops down a bouquet of lights, juxtaposing modern with classical elements.
That's not all- The outdoor heated patio displays 'drive-in' type movies on its huge LCD projector while you dine in the picturesque Tuscan setting. That's not all- The Modernism West Gallery is the perfect backdrop if you, lets say, want to show off your super sweet art knowledge among 100 of your closest friends. That's not all- If you happen to be Miss/Mr Popular, you could extend an invitation to 30 more people on their outdoor upper patio. This space is adjacent to both the Gallery and lower patio and offers, as they describe, 'A bamboo grove with fountain, partial views of the movie screen, a clear tent, and gas heaters give this space a unique ambiance.' Oh, that's not all- If you are a B-list celebrity and want to remain completely anonymous from the unknowing minions below you, the Mezzanine overlooks the main dining area and shares a space with the Director's Table; where all the A-list celebrities hang. And now, that's all.

Behind the Bar: All-in-all the place ranked high as a server friendly space. But as with any job, there are going to be qualms. Imagine working in a space resembling MC Eschers' Relativity. (Referring to the different amount of rooms and way to access those rooms and not so much when you enter one of those rooms you'll end up on the ceiling. However, that would be frick'n cool!) The designers did a great job leaving at least 2 forms of egress, a place or means of going out, per room. Lets say one needed to drop off a Brandade gratin with Spanish caper berries, and croutons at a table in the main room, than jet over to the West Gallery to secretly take shots with friends, there would be no problem. The designers knew the difficulty of the space and played the hand they were dealt quite nicely; putting a micros in each room. Now the busser situation is not ranked so high. Apparently there are two kitchens, one for the main dining rooms and a smaller one for special events. In order for the busser to take dirty dishes from your table to the wash room, they have to go out the front of the restaurant and enter the kitchen from the large hallway; the same one that the customers use to go into the restaurant. Now everyone is different, but alls I knows is I do not want to look at a half eaten House cured sardines & anchovies "Taj Mahal" on its way to the trash. That's just me. Now to take it through the other entrance, the busser has to pass by the line cooks (and the word on the street is that is a very small area), and we all know they are just aching to take your fingers off with their new knife set. Getting back to that exceptionally large hallway previously mentioned, the restaurant splits the corridor with the Bar Lazlo (which I will review at a later date). You know the food you didn't want to see being bussed, well the same goes for all the drunk and vomiting kids coming out of that bar when you're coming out of your couple $100 dinner. And the bathroom situation... well those kids I mentioned, ya you are all sharing the toilet space. Yes folks that is right! For a restaurant that can house 960 people, based on their website, that has to be the longest women's bathroom line in all of history!

Who's Who: Recommended for romantic daters, anniversary celebrators, and/or holiday partyers. Oh ya, and if you need a ridiculously large and multi-leveled space to impress people you hardly know.

Too Much Information- Take Me Back!

'Taint'ed Love


Poleng Lounge


Neighborhood: Western Addition/NOPA
1751 Fulton St
(between Central Ave & Masonic Ave)
San Francisco, CA 94117
(415) 441-1751
In the Know: Do not let the outside fool you. This place has depth, quite literally. Housing two rooms, the Fireside Lounge (front room) and the Temple Room (back room), this multi-functional Balinese inspired space shares its time between restaurant, lounge, and nitelife hot spot. During the day, two large flanking windows light up the lounge exposing a large limestone tiled facade with water dripping down it, central fireplace, extremely large bar (seating for around 12ish), 3 over sized wood coffee tables with accompanying couches, topped off with a DJ booth stashed in the corner. I say stashed because a large, and I believe perpetually broken wheelchair lift is adjacent to it. To bad that extra couple thousand dollars wasn't spent on something else, like I don't know...tables that don't wobble around or credit at a cleaning service for the rarely washed seat cushions. Once past the front bar a small hallway leads you to the back bar. In the 'Temple Room' (only called that because there is one stone statue off to the side of the room) there are only 4 permanent raised lounge. Large metal drums act as the dining table allowing for additional seating depending on the size of your party. During dinner hours (5:30-10pm) folding tables are arranged on the dance floor and can have up to 25 ppl around them. The back bar is much, much smaller in comparison to the front (for only about 8 ppl) but mark that one under positives elements of this space....more room for dancing. And you know, that I know I just want to dance!

*WARNING* Due to the graphic nature of this post (i.e. I worked here for over a year ) viewer's discretion is advised.

Behind the Bar: As I am sure you know, this section is reserved for the good, the bad, and the fugly in regards to how functional the space is for its patrons. Just as important, if not more, is if the design works for the people that spent hours a day/night there. With this in mind, my negative issues with the space heavily out way the positive. Because of this I have chosen to only report on some of the major deformities that is Poleng as short and to the point as possible. And as much as I would like to discuss Poleng as a black hole of business I will bite my tongue and try to keep the uncomfortably poorly run restaurant bashing to a minimum. 1. The floor in the Temple Room is absolutely horrible. When large sections are coming up, leaving a grotesque looking cement, time to change it. 2. The wood lounge tables in the front room have large pot holes on the top. In the heat of battle there is not always time to make sure a drink doesn't get set on the huge cracks in the table. Of course they fall and of course it is hard to clean and of course colonies of flies start take refuge there. However, if they do get in your food or drinks, which they will, think of it as a little extra protein. 3. The kitchen- ever gotten the question, 'Is it bigger than a bread box?" In this case, no...no it is not. 4. There is something like 60 investors into the space, all of which feel they have free reign to go/do whatever they like. It is not cool to take your entourage behind the scenes. That is how things get stolen. (Obviously not at all design related.) 5. The barely dripping water that runs down the limestone tile looks as though it was taken from the nearest swamp. I actually think that is what they had in mind when they came up with the whole idea. Dead reeds are placed in front of it and if they had fallen against the wall, which happened quite often, the swamp would run down it to your seat. 6. While a fireside dining experience is just oh so romantic, to turn that oh so romantic fire on-and-off one would have to life up the booth next to the fireplace. This means if you are svitzing there is just nothing to be done until you are done with your meal. And scene!

Who's Who: There is something here for all. The HH crowd consists of mostly young, cheap USF students and older, even more cheap USF Law students :) Dinner is a great time for young lovers, old friends, first time dates, second and final dates, kids birfday parties, adult birfday parties, or the occasional marriage proposal (I got to be part of that one, and believe I had something to do with her saying yes). Nitelife crowd varies. I would say 80% of the folks are between the ages of 22-40 and 80% of that 80% are Asian. You do the math.

Too Much Information- Take Me Back!

Ground Control to Major Q











Q

Neighborhood: Inner Richmond
225 Clement Street (between 3rd Ave & 4th Ave)S
San Francisco, CA 94118
(415) 752-2298
http://www.qrestaurant.com/

*Disclaimer- Due to the consumption of a certain alcoholic beverage prior to my departure for the restaurant, my camera was left at my apartment; hence the lack of pictures. I have borrowed some from yelp and plan on returning to Q to take my own pictures but for now please sit tight. And if you are not the sitting tight type, there are people you can contact to help you with that.

"Here am I floating round my tin can, far above the moon. Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do." -- David Bowie

In the Know: I know you have been losing sleep over it. Don't worry, I have too. How does one combine a gigantic paper mache moon (actually looks more like stucco but in my book paper mache is a $2 word whereas stucco clocks in at $1.23) , an indoor tree (this ain't no fluffy fragrant ficus), and magnetic letters into a cohesive design...the designer of Q (Dan Das Man- the infamous burning man artist) must have thought this to be his perfect McGyver moment. Or at least a chance to combine all his talents under one steel roof.

Lets take note; Giant moon looming overhead, check. One steel wall that also acts as a chalk board and super magnet with children's alphabet letters to play with, check. Super hero comic book art installations sharing wall space with a metal alligator, check. Christmas lights held up by metal rods separating the booths, check. Table tree (literally a tree that is surrounded by a table), check. 6" deep tables that display different scenes/characters/dinosaurs in them for you dining pleasure, check. Large open kitchen for you to salivate over all the other diners meals as you wait for you own, check. Small metal bar set at an awkward height, check. I mean they really just went down the check list of things a restaurant must have in order to be successful. P.S. Congrats on being open for 10 years you 'lil space clown on steroids!

Behind the Bar: One of the servers commented on only having one Micros (or at least I think she said micros-- and to her credit she really liked having just one) system behind the bar for the whole restaurant. Now the space isn't exceptionally large, and to my calculations there was only two servers for the space*, so having multiple point of sales isn't absolutely necessary. It is absolute, however, to have one at the bar or at least in the bar region. Behind such a small bar, especially during dining rush hour, might cause a cluster f*ck. I would suggest move it out from behind the bar, but only slightly...one would not want the bartender to go that far for it, I mean s/he holds the fate of your experience in their pouring hands.

*Calculations vary as the night progressed from beer to beer to red wine to white wine to red wine again.
**I have to say, my experience was even better after talking to most of the staff and owner. If Q's design and staff where like a fine wine, it would have been an explosion of flavor!

Who's Who: Anyone from the guy that forgot to pull the toilet paper from his razor cut face to the girl that thinks she is the cats meow (who could better be described as the coughed up hairball during that meowing session of this so-called cat) to the fat kid in class, everyone is welcome! I think it is a fantastic chill spot for you and your friends to drink a pint or a glass milk to be more age/design appropriate. It is also a great place for a date, especially if you are concerned about maintaining a conversation; lots of little goodies to talk about. Unless, of course, your date doesn't find humor in you trying to find enough o's to spell poop or boob. *Shockingly enough my date did not find it funny. I mean you are dining on freak'n diorama for gosh sakes. Lets keep a little perspective.

Too Much Information- Take Me Back!

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